Zenzen
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Sakano's perspective on life changed once he met Touma Seguchi. And his admiration keeps on growing...and he can't stop it.


Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine. All songs/poetry is mine.  
  
  
I glanced at him as he watched my eyes also. We both slightly nodded at each other in this silence to show our affirmation of the whole situation.  
We were ready.  
  
Holding onto the doorknob, I opened up the door to the conference room.   
"Hello Gentlemen," Sachou greeted casually with his all-knowing smile as I followed after him.  
Hence, we commenced our meeting.  
  
But it wasn't too long ago that I had been on the other side of this arrangement. Yes, I had been on this same exact table waiting for Sachou to make his appearance like a music guru that knew everything behind that smile.  
  
I was right. He was.  
Except, I knew he never remembered me…  
  
When I met him with Bad Luck, that was the time he thought we had first met…  
…or so I thought.  
  
Zen-zen  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
I laughed at myself as I pushed my body out of the building. When I got to the entrance, I looked up as the cars went by and everything was just as chaotic outside as I had been feeling inside. I put my hand over my forehead to take a better look at the place I was leaving.  
  
"I quit," I had said with my papers stamped onto the table of my supervisor's desk.  
He gave me an incredulous look. "Are you feeling all right, Sakano-san?"  
I nodded with a smile. "Yes, more than all right, actually."  
"You're one of the best here. How can you expect me to immediately approve this?" My supervisor drummed his fingers onto his desk as he slowly took my papers into his hands.  
"I don't want to regret anything," I said as I simply bowed in respect. "Thank you and goodbye."  
  
Then, I looked straight in front of me and went on the path towards home with my umbrella and suitcase. I sighed at myself.  
I couldn't cry, but nor did I regret this decision. It was something that had started for some time, and I just couldn't take it anymore.  
If it hadn't been for him.  
  
If it only had been someone else in his place…  
I wouldn't have cared so much…  
  
Two days before I quit…  
"Good afternoon, Gentlemen," the one named Touma Seguhi had said as soon as he had entered the room with that certain smile only he could perfect.  
As he walked to his seat at the head of the table, he chuckled. "Please try to be relaxed about this whole situation. All I need is that you guide me through your proposal and we will see what we can do from there."  
  
So straight and to the point. I thought it was kind.  
Yes, for a first move.  
  
I knew it was over once he sat down and folded his fingers. Pushing his mouth lightly on his fingers with his eyebrows almost touching one another in contemplation.  
His game plan was into effect as soon as my company had given him the outline.  
  
There was something more to him though. I could feel it, but it was at the tip of my tongue unable to come out even in my thoughts.  
I had done my preparations and listened to proposals over the table, but I was confident that we were up to par with his experience. We were, after all, the second best record company, one below Seguchi-san's.  
And in one soft blow, he got up and bowed his head with a 'no'. "This group will not make it," he simply answered.   
"But the projected output.is that they'll be a huge success. Promotions and everything else arranged is to their advantage," one of my co-workers tried to protest. "Statistics aren't even against them, Seguchi-san."  
He shook his head again. "I have been in this business on both sides of the scale, so please take my advice and do not invest with this."  
Bowing his head, he finally said, "Thank you very much for coming, Gentlemen."  
  
With that, he left without another protest.  
  
My co-workers looked around at one another and sighed, as well as angry and/or frustrated. I was gazing at the door after him.  
  
His reputation had preceded him.   
Swift, smooth, and sweet with his kill.  
  
You know how rumors are. By the time they made their way to me, I had this image that he was some monster behind that smiling mask that he had shown the cameras for years.  
I hadn't expected him to be that elegant, nor so polite.  
  
"Sakano-san, it's time to go," Matsumoto-san said to me as he patted my back. "I know you're devastated too, but we've got to go now."  
  
But as we were leaving, I said goodbye and had a nice long walk with my suitcase in hand. I looked back at the glass doors wondering, "That's the way of the game. Why does it matter so much now?"  
  
Then, I turned away and found myself in a bar hanging my head in defeat. I was so used to being quiet that I would just huddle in a corner not really knowing why.  
I wasn't really good at expressing my emotions, so they came out in extremes. All within my mind, of course.  
What was there to really complain about? I had several close friends. With that, I had a good job and was paid well. Not only that, I was the youngest employee because they had called me 'gifted' in some way.   
I still couldn't see it, but if that's what got me to where I was, then I was thankful.  
  
I turned my head with my drink in my head as I watched a girl approaching the stage to the front of the room. She smiled shyly with her long, black gown on. Her black gloves reached up to her elbows and she held onto the microphone with a nod of her head.  
  
I didn't notice it then, but someone sat next to me. Usually I hated it when people got close to my personal space, but this time I didn't mind.  
  
The girl, whose name was Momiji, started to sing and I instantly fell into her sphere of influence. I couldn't be distracted in any way as I listened to her with my eyes slightly closed.  
  
"This is a voice," I whispered to myself, even though I was not one to comment aloud.  
But she had impressed me.  
  
Holding her hands out as if to touch the sky she sang with her eyes closed painfully.  
"I want to paint.  
I want to reach the sky.  
I want to remember  
I want to forget…"  
  
I nodded my head slowly.  
  
"Good control. You're a bit off with your high notes, but no one would really know that if you shadowed it with strength." I looked at her.  
  
Then, I finally really saw her eyes as she came to the finale.  
  
I didn't like her anymore.  
  
"If you had only let it flow naturally instead of trying to put too many tricks into it…" I sighed.   
  
She could have made it.  
  
"So, you suggest that I don't make a contract with her?" a voice next to me asked.  
  
In the darkness, I could somehow make a face.   
That voice…  
  
"You're very good at observing people," the voice said.  
  
Only then did I realize through my drunkenness that it was Seguchi-san, who was trying to keep a low profile and from being hassled.  
  
I blinked my eyes and I became very nervous. Out of the numerous appointments he had everyday, I was pretty sure he didn't recognize me. After all, I was just an observer today.  
  
I smiled and bowed my head a bit. "Thank you, but I'm not very good at it."  
  
"No, your comments were exactly what I was thinking." He turned over to me. "So, do you think I should contact that girl?"  
  
I shook my head. "She has a voice, but look at her audience."  
  
We looked at the numerous people who watched her. They weren't turning their heads in awe, but I knew they had been impressed with her voice.  
Only for a second did they turn before going back to their conversations with the people next to them, if any.  
  
"She didn't capture them," I honestly said as I glazed my audience once more.  
  
"Ping pong," he chuckled softly.  
  
That's why I had only been an observer today. I just couldn't defend this particular group my company was advocating.  
  
"Sorry to be abrupt, but I must get going," he said as he handed me his card. "If you ever need a job, be sure to see me first."  
  
We left before we had even exchanged each other's names, but it didn't really matter. I already knew his.  
  
When I went to sleep that night, I couldn't close my eyes as I looked at the ceiling above me. I sighed as I said, "Damn him."  
It was the air about him. You could feel that when he stepped into a realm, he knew exactly where he was going and what he wanted.  
  
He didn't hesitate and he seemed so confident.  
  
Why couldn't I be like that?  
  
***  
  
As I walked away from my former workplace, it was really a part of fate, wasn't it? There were two teenagers on the steps leading down to a fountain in the middle of a park. They were jamming and I already liked how playful they were with their music.  
  
I smiled as I sat on the opposite end of the stairs listening to them.  
  
I used to be like that. The only relief I got out of life was music. At home, my guitars and demos were all hidden in the closet. The only place I sang now was in the shower.  
I had not given up on my dream. I just didn't have that spark.  
I didn't know how to describe it, but it was like no matter how hard I knew my stuff, it just wasn't meant for me.   
  
But if there was one thing I knew in life, I knew music.   
I knew what to look for.  
  
I was very amused by these two high schoolers. They had a taste of Nittle Grasper's charm, but they had their own as well.   
  
A small crowd had gathered around them.  
I lifted up my chin interested at what the outcome of their practice would be.   
  
They could capture people.  
  
The lyrics were horrible, but you could always change that through training. The gift of pleasing the audience and making people look at you was something only certain people had.  
  
They had it.  
  
For days, I came back to watch them practice after I had gone around Tokyo trying to find another job. And everyday, I was very energized by them.  
  
In the process, also, for every day since I had met Seguchi-san, my sanity was decaying.  
He had given me a new perspective on life that I wanted. It was the piece of knowledge that was finally revealed to me like an apple from the garden of Eden.  
  
But there was something bothering me. Seguchi-san made me admire him more and more as I read about him in the newspapers.  
(Plus, we were both right. Light bombed.)  
  
One day, I finally went up to those two boys. And that's how I met Shuichi and Hiro.  
From there, they practiced and practiced. I assured them that they would have it, just that they had to trust me.  
And so, we became more than manager and clients. We became good friends. I felt so close to them; and I felt comfortable doing anything around them. Because of our openness, I became more edgy as a form of comedy, but deep inside, I was still troubled by Seguchi-san.  
  
Bad Luck was finally marketable.  
Finally, I had to meet Seguchi-san once more. I didn't mention that it was me on the phone though. I was starting fresh as if we had never met.   
I knew how to work the system for I had been a part of it right?  
  
Seguchi-san came to see Shuichi and Hiro; and from there, we had a contract!   
After signing the papers, Hiro and Shuichi left Seguchi-san's office, but I stayed behind to formally bow again. "Thank you very much, Seguchi-san."  
  
He smiled while turning away from the window, "That's all right."  
  
As I was turning around, he said, "Why didn't you say it was you?"  
  
I stopped and turned around. "Excuse me, Seguchi-san?"  
  
"You were the one at the meeting for that group called Light." He shook his head as he went in front of his desk and leaned on it. "And the one at the bar when I was observing Momiji-san."  
  
I bowed my head a bit and I looked away in embarrassment. "You have a really good memory, Seguchi-san."  
  
"You don't get anywhere in this business without it." He chuckled.  
  
I laughed in return. "But thank you very much for everything."  
  
I couldn't tell him how much he had changed my life. How meeting him in real life was more than a childhood dream.  
And to even remember someone like me…  
  
In embarrassment, I bowed my head again. "I will be going now."  
  
About three months later, there was a gathering inside of a hotel for Bad Luck's success and it served as a 'pep rally'. We ate, we drank, we really relaxed. Everyone had a fun time, but since it was getting late, people started to dwindle away.  
  
Even Sachou's wife took her husband's chin and smiled tiredly. "Come on, let's go."  
  
There I was sitting about one stool away from him.  
  
"We'd better be going too…" said a drunk Shuichi who was practically being held up by Yuki Eiri-san, who held a look of consternation, yet with a smirk of care.  
  
For the first time in my life, I saw the countenance of Seguchi-san become a bit off as he said, "Goodbye."  
Mika-san patted Sachou on the back, "If you don't want to go, it's all right."  
She laid her hand on his head gently. "I'll see you later at home, okay?"  
They had come in separate cars anyway.  
  
  
I was drunk and if I stayed there…  
I would say things out of my personal control.  
  
I didn't know why I was so depressed…  
  
As I turned my stool around, I finally announced, "I will go now, Sachou."  
  
I was no longer calling him Seguchi-san.  
And I was kind of happy by it. I was the only who called him that.  
  
"You can't leave," he mumbled gently.  
  
I looked around to make sure it was me he was talking to. I sat back up on the stool.   
'Why?' was written all over my facial expressions.  
  
He glanced at me and smiled again with that smile that I didn't like. Like a child with a plan, Sachou leaned his cheek on his palm as he looked at me. "I'm just kidding. I was just thinking of what you would do."  
  
Anything…  
  
I looked away again and poured another glass of wine. Honestly, I answered without nervousness, "Whatever you'd ask me to do."  
  
"Now, why is that?"  
  
Were you really drunk???  
  
"Because I don't think I can leave you while you're acting strange."  
  
"How am I acting strange?" He drank another glass of wine. "I'm just as calm as ever. I'm just asking for you to answer."  
He shook his head. "You're always so straight with me. That's what I like about you."  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" I found my hands quivering out of nervousness and so, I sighed as I held onto my glass to keep myself as calm as I could have been at that moment.  
  
"You don't have to be." He looked away. "There would be so many people who would love to be at the position you are in right now."  
  
I smiled sincerely. "But I have you to thank for that. You trusted my decision with Bad Luck. Then, you changed my position to producer-"  
  
Seguchi-san shook his head as he took up his glass and rotated his wrist with it. "That's not what I meant."  
  
I blinked at him. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Of all the employees I've ever had, you are my favorite. You always do what I ask you to do, without question. Then, you advise me whenever I need a second opinion." He glanced at me with a smirk. "Did you know I never asked for second opinions before? Now I do. I'm getting old, aren't I?"  
  
"No, you aren't, Sachou." It was then that I poured another glass of wine and downed it. "Before I came to that meeting that day for the group Light, I felt so old. Everyday had become a rut, despite all the stuff I was doing. I didn't like that kind of life. I didn't like it because it was so systematic. Impersonal too.  
"I had always liked music, but when I saw you that day, I thought, 'He knows where he's going in life. I don't.' So, I quit work two days later because I wanted more from life than just watching it pass by me from a desk, with only those occasional meetings to get out of that building."  
I turned to him. "That's what I never got to thank you for."  
  
"Come here, Sakano-san" he said as he gestured for me to come next to him.   
  
He turned around as soon as I stood before him. Patting my head, he smiled. "You're welcome."  
  
I blushed a little as I looked into his eyes.  
Being so close to him…  
  
His hand lingered on my head. Then, he slowly let go while pointing for me to sit next to him.  
"People always tell me, 'You're perfect. You have everything. Is there anything that you can't do or can't have?'" Again, Seguchi-san turned his head from side to side. "Yes, one."  
  
I looked at him in surprise.  
Why was he telling me all this?  
  
Then, he became silent.  
  
Just as he had done for me weeks ago, I took off his hat and then touched my forehead to his. Smiling sadly, I just hugged him.  
"It's all right…" I comforted. "You can't everything. Life would be boring that way."  
  
Why was I the one to tell you this?  
I sighed inwardly.  
  
At that moment, his arms went around me.  
  
Then, all the doubts in my head lulled into a deep silence. When he touched me, I knew why I had idolized him so much…  
  
He finally let go and chuckled to himself while putting his hat on. "I'll just call a taxi and get my car tomorrow."  
  
I nodded as we both headed towards the door of that hotel ballroom. We were quiet until we had to part at the front of the hotel.  
He lifted up his hand for a taxi.   
"If someone had asked me that again, Sakano-san…" he sighed as he really looked at me.  
  
He was dead serious.  
  
"…I'd probably say 'two' this time." He winked at me and stepped into the taxi that pulled in front of him. "What would you have answered, Sakano-san?"  
  
Politely, I answered with a grin. "Zen-zen."  
  
"Ah."   
  
I didn't know if he had understood or not.  
  
  
Lifting his hand through the window, he said, "See you tomorrow morning."  
  
"Goodbye, Sachou."  
  
As he left, my eyes lingered on his taxi driving away. With the decision to get my car the next day also, I turned around to go home.  
  
"Two, huh?" A melancholic feeling came over me as I mumbled to myself.  
  
I'm just a good employee, that's all I am to him.  
That's all that I should be…  
  
Since the first time I had met you, I tried so hard to deny it. And now, here I was faced with it at point-blank.   
I couldn't understand why I always did that to myself. Always going for things that, I would later find out, couldn't ever be mine.  
But I always tried my best, never regretting it.   
Cruel and masochistic as it seemed.  
  
Usually, I would have a tune in my head, but I couldn't even feel anything but misery. I tried to smile at my reflection while passing some random store's window.  
  
"Zen-zen…" I whispered to my reflection.  
  
When I blinked again, I saw my reflection once more. For the first time in many years, I was really crying…  
  
I always thought you knew what you wanted and how to get it. Just as long as you had passion and love while totally focusing on what you wanted.  
  
I wanted to be like that, Sachou…  
Until I met you, I was so lost on what to do and what I really wanted from life.  
Only today, I learned that I'd never get that one thing I wanted most.  
  
  
No matter what I'll do, I will never have you.  
Even if I absolutely love you.  
  
  
Owari.  
--  
Author's note: This was a pairing floating in my head for two days. Sorry that it's kind of long, but I really wanted to build to the point. I still can't believe this took hours to do.  
I don't know why, but I really like this pairing. It's one of my top five for Gravi.  
  
Zen-zen has two different meanings: Entirely; (negative) never, not at all.  
  
  
(Ichi-hyaku-ni-ban) 


End file.
